you love me...but you're no in love with me...it's funny how that word can have so many meanings when used in the right context...that seems to be the story of my life...i'm sad to say that i have used that word because it has no meaning beyond that of friendship to me...i really don't think that that word has meant anything but that in the past three years in my life...it's sad to be defined as the one to talk to...the one to come to when there's a problem...and not sad as in the i hate it sort of way...just sad in the sense that it is very lonely...

i've become so filled with hearing about people who fall for someone else and helping to deal with all of those problems...and it occurs to me...that no one probably feels that way towards me...i am surprised how it is people can trust me to give them advice on what to do with their romantic endeavors when it clear that i am more alone than any of them...sure...i've got friends and people that i trust...i've got my family...but no one to truly love me...

she says i'm a close friend...she says she trusts me...she says that she loves me...but that she's not in love with me...what criteria is it that i do not meet in this category...i'd really like to know...then maybe i can understand why it is i feel empty inside...and possibly how i can change it...

a friend told me "what if i decided to stop being the shoudler...stop giving advice"...and to tell you the truth...i've thought about it...but say i gave that up...what would i have left...nothing...so in the sense...i'd be worse off that when i started...damned if i do...damned if i don't...i suppose...

so the solution...suck it up...just play the part that is both my joy and my curse...my one saving grace...but also my sadness...they always say they love me...but no one is in love with me...

truth is...it's dark and cold in this space and i'm too alone to care anymore....

i've learned something this past week during the FANHS conference in St. Louis this past week...which to begin...was incredible...i've learned that you can never leave your community...no matter how much you think you need to leave...or how much you want to leave sometimes...you can't do it...there's always something that tells you that you still have work to do...a commitment set in stone by something bigger than yourself...it has been difficult to come to a realization that people still need my help...but not after this past week...and i am so thankful that it happened...

FANHS was too awesome...i can't believe that it's over...and i can't wait until i see those folks again...hopefully some sooner than later..hehe...but it was invigorating to meet people with such a passion for the community that they live in...the lectures and presentations were great...but what really filled my heart and my mind and my soul were the nights just hanging out with people...kaba alumni...kaba heads...VA Beach...Seattle...New Mexico...San Diego...San Francisco...etc...

It was those nights when everything was either talking in depth about how they felt about the coommunity...or just bumming around the dorms...that was too much fun...and i gained so much insight on things i didn't really want to think about anymore...but there was just so much clarity that I couldn't help it...thank you for the talks and the time and the desire to do things again...

On the other side of things...driving around st. louis was fun and also very anti-climatic...not really much to see around there...but there were some things...SMOKI O's...best ribs i've ever had...good stuff all around...the arch...ehhh...woohoo...i suppose...

but really...thank you for the good times...i have my own projects to work on now...and the video and photos to support me...hehe...

 

 

well...the beginning of a new life...the end of an old one...it is often hard to realize that the things that we once took for granted or that the things that we cherished are now so soon lost and misplaced among the "would've...could've...should've" of the world order...

i take what i once had and realize for the first time that it does seem that it is all i had at a point...the only thing i could rely on...and for that split second i was happy...but that changes so quickly in this world...nothing is ever what we want at the times we need them the most...but often arrive when we resent and nelgect them...so is that our fault that we feel this way when these things happen...no...

so then...who is to blame for the crap that we endure each day of our lives and our losing the things we have when we need them the most whereas we gain these things when we don't seem to need them...

breaking away will be the hardest thing that i will probably ever do thus far in this chapter of my life...but i guess it's meant to occur this way...if you believe in that sort of thing...so thus a new page in my life will begin...independent...at least hopefully...of the loss in my life...and guided...again hopefully...by the fact that something good might actually happen this time around...

i guess we'll just have to wait and see...

"Those who made mistakes blame themselves and close their hearts. It's impossible to fix the mistake. Men can't return to the past."

More and more...the present is slowly but surely becoming the past...and more and more i begin to think of the mistakes that turned that present into the past...it's like what could i have done to change things to prolong the present...what could i have said to make her stay...should i have given up so easily...

These past few days have been really trying on me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally...i'm running out of ways to try and fix things...i can no longer fight off my emotions...my pain...my suffering...my concerns...it's just all spiraling into a deep abyss...i've lost all my strength...i am defeated...love...family...life...all defeated...

So here i was at the CCC writing a paper and listening to my winamp and this song started playing...and it made me really think about what's about to happen to me in the next few weeks...things that will end...things that will begin...and things that will have to be put to rest...the words of this song make me realize that nothing ever goes the way we think they should...or the way that we want them to go...but the sad thing is that eventually you have to say goodbye...it's sad but it is a reality that i often have to deal with...whether it be love, life, work, play, or myself...it always becomes clear that in order to move on...you have to say goodbye...so i guess this is my goodbye...maybe one day my life will return to what it once was...but i doubt that...maybe it's a good thing...maybe not...but regardless...letting go is probably harder to do than holding on to something that wants to let you go...and i guess that i have to accept that because there's nothing left...sad...but a little wiser...then again...goodbye has always been something that i've been dealing with all my life...it never gets any better...and most times...it's never my decision...

In a dream I hold you close
Embracing you with my hands
You gazed at me with eyes full of love
And you made me understand
That I was meant to share with you
My heart my mind my soul
Then I open my eyes and all I see
Reality shows I'm alone
But I know someday that you'll be my side
Cuz I know GOD is just waiting 'til the time is right

GOD will you keep her safe from the thunder storm
When the day is cold, will you keep her warm
When darkness falls, will you please shine her the way
GOD will you let her know that I love her so
When there's no one there, that she's not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know that my heart is beating with hers

So I pray...until that day (until that day)
When our hearts beat as one (when our hearts beat as one)
I will wait so patiently (patiently) for that day to come
I kno some day that you'll be by my side
Cuz I know GOD just waiting 'til the time is right

GOD will you keep her safe from the thunder storm
When the day is cold, will you keep her warm
When darkness falls, will you please shine her the way
GOD will you let her know that I love her so
When there's no one there, that she's not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know that my heart is beating with hers

It's beating with hers...my heart is beating with hers...it's beating with hers

GOD will you keep her safe from the thunder storm
When the day is cold, will you keep her warm
When darkness falls, will you please shine her the way
GOD will you let her know that I love her so
When there's no one there, that she's not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know that my heart is beating with hers

Oh...oh....it's beating with hers

this is fucking bullshit...i hate it when fucking people talk shit behind people's back when they have no idea of what those people go through...if you fucking have something to say...then fucking say it to my fucking face...and face those consequences like a fucking man...this is not something that i need right now and if you fucking have the nerve to tell people fucking rumors that are no where near true...you better be prepared to deal with everything that comes with it...this is such a stupid problem that i do not need and to put me through this for whatever reason...then it better be a very good reason...otherwise...don't waste my fucking time...

respect...don't expect it if you don't give it...

"it's a self-preservation thing..."

someone asked me what's the difference "loving someone" and being "in love" and i had this to say...

loving someone is always being there for that person and never regretting the times and the memories...good or bad...that you share with someone...to love someone is to willingly put yourself on the line because you want what's best for that person...

to be in love is to not know exactly why you are always there for that person but you are...to be there in times of extreme happiness...but more importantly...in times of extreme sadness and pain...because regardless of whether or not you are with that person...you're still there for them...not really sure why...you just are...it is the sadness that makes us know that we are "in love"...because then we know that we need that person more than we need anything else...

these things...love...pain...sadness...are all intertwined...because they work hand in hand...they let us know what love truly is and what love can truly be...

i've only been in love twice in my life and i haven't regretted it...there have been countless times when i've loved people...and i have continued to do so...but to fall in love is scary...is what i am feeling now love...because if it is...i'm afraid...if it's anything like my last two encounters with being in love...it hasn't worked out...i just wish sometimes that being in love was a lot easier than it had been in the past...but i guess i will continue to love until i fall in love again...and if what i am feeling now is being in love...then i just hope that it is worth it and that the answers will come soon...