tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34069872011-04-21T22:06:26.686-07:00A History of TragedySomething to say what I never get to say to anyone else...my life...and to no extent can it be deciphered into a code...simply into a theory...maybe something you can help me understand...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.comBlogger981100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1091874744147123312004-08-07T03:02:00.000-07:002004-08-07T03:32:24.146-07:00you love me...but you're no in love with me...it's funny how that word can have so many meanings when used in the right context...that seems to be the story of my life...i'm sad to say that i have used that word because it has no meaning beyond that of friendship to me...i really don't think that that word has meant anything but that in the past three years in my life...it's sad to be defined as Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1091058544232358212004-07-28T16:25:00.000-07:002004-07-28T16:49:04.233-07:00i've learned something this past week during the FANHS conference in St. Louis this past week...which to begin...was incredible...i've learned that you can never leave your community...no matter how much you think you need to leave...or how much you want to leave sometimes...you can't do it...there's always something that tells you that you still have work to do...a commitment set in stone by Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1090395568870641642004-07-21T00:33:00.000-07:002004-07-21T00:39:28.870-07:00well...the beginning of a new life...the end of an old one...it is often hard to realize that the things that we once took for granted or that the things that we cherished are now so soon lost and misplaced among the "would've...could've...should've" of the world order... i take what i once had and realize for the first time that it does seem that it is all i had at a point...the only thing i Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1086787363837223452004-06-09T06:11:00.000-07:002004-06-09T06:22:43.836-07:00"Those who made mistakes blame themselves and close their hearts. It's impossible to fix the mistake. Men can't return to the past." More and more...the present is slowly but surely becoming the past...and more and more i begin to think of the mistakes that turned that present into the past...it's like what could i have done to change things to prolong the present...what could i have said to Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1086126216090386382004-06-01T14:34:00.000-07:002004-06-01T14:43:36.090-07:00So here i was at the CCC writing a paper and listening to my winamp and this song started playing...and it made me really think about what's about to happen to me in the next few weeks...things that will end...things that will begin...and things that will have to be put to rest...the words of this song make me realize that nothing ever goes the way we think they should...or the way that we want Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1085728556331779772004-05-27T23:59:00.000-07:002004-05-28T00:15:56.330-07:00this is fucking bullshit...i hate it when fucking people talk shit behind people's back when they have no idea of what those people go through...if you fucking have something to say...then fucking say it to my fucking face...and face those consequences like a fucking man...this is not something that i need right now and if you fucking have the nerve to tell people fucking rumors that are no whereBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1085395687781411732004-05-24T03:01:00.000-07:002004-05-24T03:48:07.783-07:00"it's a self-preservation thing..." someone asked me what's the difference "loving someone" and being "in love" and i had this to say... loving someone is always being there for that person and never regretting the times and the memories...good or bad...that you share with someone...to love someone is to willingly put yourself on the line because you want what's best for that person... to be Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1085041206487362642004-05-20T01:06:00.000-07:002004-05-20T01:20:06.486-07:00this is dedicated to bing... first of all...i hope that you know that i love you and that nothing will ever change how i feel about you...you continue to be a constant in my life when everything just doesn't seem to make sense...and i'm sorry that i've been acting so off around you lately...but it's been a very difficult time for me right now...you may not think that it should be...but it is...aBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1084868408998945902004-05-18T01:07:00.000-07:002004-05-18T01:20:08.996-07:00so what happens when everything that you have worked for is no longer yours...how do you deal with the fact that you are no longer needed...i guess i've been dealing with a lot of loss lately...and i'm actually just lost...more so than usual...and it's sad that everything that i once thought meant something...in an instant...shows that you meant nothing to it...it has been a long time since i've Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1082625808350910992004-04-22T02:23:00.000-07:002004-04-22T02:26:27.186-07:00unfortunately there are days when i wish i never met you...days where i wish you never introduced yourself to me...if you were to ask me that if i knew then how i would feel now and if i would still want to meet you...i would walk away...if you were to ask me how i feel right now...i could tell you that im feeling nothing but pain and despair over the things i do...nothing seems to satisfy me Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1081154327270676822004-04-05T01:38:00.000-07:002004-04-05T01:41:28.856-07:00i know now what i must do...i'm sick of it...i'm tired of putting my heart on the line and getting nothing in return...and i can't do it anymore...i just can't...i officially give up...this is my testimonial...it's over...all i have left now is my work...and that's all i'm gonna work on...there will be no more distractions to stop me...i'm closing off my heart to love...and that's the end....Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1076963329502864232004-02-16T12:28:00.000-08:002004-02-16T12:30:42.700-08:00well....another vday has passed and i still have yet to recover a reason as to why people give this day so much meaning...those who have someone in their life give it all the recognition in the world...most of those who don't often swear off this day...and yet some hate this day because it makes them feel alone...maybe it's just a fool's fantasy that drives people to think that it is ok to be Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1075885064445112342004-02-04T00:57:00.000-08:002004-02-04T00:59:24.530-08:00i think that i am a person of many contradictions... i find peace in chaos... when im alone i think of others... when im with others i think im alone... i dont know...i suppose that i just dont know what to turn to now...everything seems so difficult right now...but i bet that the answers can be so simple if i just let them...i dont know...i just wish i could figure it out...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1075713923246805612004-02-02T01:25:00.000-08:002004-02-02T01:27:01.903-08:00i don't understand anything anymore...i guess all the times i spend alone have really shown me what i really know...nothing...i have become overly sensitive...and i hate it...maybe if i just stabbed myself in the heart...i'd find a sense of peace...what happens when you lose yourself...because i think thats my problem right now...who am i...to myself...to others...is there a point to the things iBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1075713011579937902004-02-02T01:10:00.000-08:002004-02-02T01:11:50.356-08:00dear love... thank you for nothing... nothing but pain... defeat... hate... thank you for showing me that you are one evil bitch... you like to tease people into thinking you mean well... but you mean to hurt... destroy hearts... break them... i'm so sick of you... why can't you let be happy... just once... you give me a sample... but then take everything away... you're like a sick and twited Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1072432713709271982003-12-26T01:58:00.000-08:002003-12-26T01:59:34.966-08:00ok... this will be my last entry for you... you win... i give up... ive accepted my defeat... and must now realize that me and you... is not gonna happen... at least not now... maybe never... i fucked up... and must now suffer the consequences... im letting go... maybe youll return... maybe you wont... but im not going to pursue it anymore... youll find someone else... maybe you already did... Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1072340762296429242003-12-25T00:26:00.000-08:002003-12-25T00:27:02.140-08:00so it rained on christmas...i didnt get to spend my money on someone worth spending it on...and once again im all alone on christmas...this holiday has lost all meaning for me...it no longer feels like christmas...maybe i've become too old for the holiday...maybe i just dont care...anyways...i just want to go back to irvine already...i feel so useless at home...no work...no school...no kaba...i Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1072263388736422182003-12-24T02:56:00.000-08:002003-12-24T02:57:27.310-08:00"You'll ask me one day, 'Whats more important to you? me or your life?' I will say 'My life' Then you'll disappear from me... without even knowing that you are my life" This is so true that it's not even funny...i suppose i am the type to fall fast and fall hard...but even though it seems like that...there is one thing you can never argue against me...i always cared...i would never had Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1072174205371233732003-12-23T02:10:00.000-08:002003-12-23T02:11:03.576-08:00so i'm finally going home in a few hours...and although i would rather stay longer in irvine for the quiet and peace that it has given me...it might actually be better for me to go home for a while...it'll probably get my mind off things...and believe me...i need to get my mind off these things...and i might have the opportunity to repair something in my past that i've been yearning to fix since Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1072093657299770092003-12-22T03:47:00.000-08:002003-12-22T03:48:34.030-08:00ok...so many thoughts have raced through my mind over the past few days...and i've actually had a lot of time to sort through them and try to figure out my next move...overall...although "love" has shown its face...it continues to hide at the most crucial moment...spurning those who are willing to love...and allowing mistakes to happen...i've realized that "love" is a cruel entity...it tends to Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1071924155887543492003-12-20T04:42:00.000-08:002003-12-20T04:43:30.763-08:00i promise a real update soon...but for now...i just put these songs in because they have been a reminder for me for the past few days...good songs...check em out... I thought some time alone was what we really needed you said this time would hurt more than it helps but I couldn't see that I thought it was the end of a beautiful story and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone) andBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1071827495256198222003-12-19T01:51:00.000-08:002003-12-19T01:52:28.890-08:00your eyes... as we said our goodbyes... cant get them out of my mind... and i find i cant hide (from)... your eyes... the ones that took me by surprise... the night you came into my life... where theres moonlight... i see your eyes... howd i let you slip away... when im longing so to hold you... now id die for one more day... cause theres something i should... have told you... yes Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1071743919291122702003-12-18T02:38:00.000-08:002003-12-18T02:39:32.140-08:00is it wrong to think that you and i can coexist in this world... a thought that declares that you and i can be we... but how is that possible when i am afraid to see your face... because it would do nothing but leave a tear in mine... i dont know whats left to say... i think ive gone through every emotion that i can muster up without totally flipping out... i have nothing left... no thought... noBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1071658196499937172003-12-17T02:49:00.000-08:002003-12-17T02:50:48.200-08:00it used to be so easy... if it didn't work out with a girl... i would simply pick up and move on... of course there would be this small amount of awkwardness... but nothing i could not handle... but not with you... instead of picking up and moving on... i seem to think about you more and more each day... to the point where all i want to do is think... because its the only way i can see you Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1071048587100325892003-12-10T01:29:00.000-08:002003-12-10T01:30:32.216-08:00i think i was born with the biggest "kick me" sign on my back... here i am... infused with a desire to love one person with so much passion and attention... born with a need to be loved in that same respect... and gifted with a sense for what romance and chivalry used to mean... but also cursed with a passion that drives one away... and a fear that causes me to act quickly and foolishly... all Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1070790358894684282003-12-07T01:45:00.000-08:002003-12-07T01:46:40.716-08:00everyday is a struggle...i continue to care less and less and with no recourse to anything that i love or admired or even enjoyed to help me through it...more and more i discover myself and the truth is simply that i deserve everything that i'm feeling right now...after everything i have been through this quarter...how i am feeling right now really surpasses all of it...i realize how alone i feelBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1070713264883171922003-12-06T04:21:00.000-08:002003-12-06T04:21:46.170-08:00last night i dreamt about her again...i swear i thought i was past this but it seems that my mind still hasn't put her out of my head...i realize that i can't have anything with anyone right now...maybe it's because i'm too unstable for anyone including myself...maybe i seriously need to take a look at what my life means right now...if it means anything at all... i think i've exposed too much ofBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1070533305206496962003-12-04T02:21:00.000-08:002003-12-04T02:22:24.450-08:00Yeah...i'm know i'm bad at this updating...but whatever...i think i've finally reached a crossroads...i've realized that everything i care about is slowly slipping further and further away...my desire to do things is constantly disappearing and i find myself thinking more about the things i never did than the the things i'm doing now...slowly i start not to care...thinking of ways to free myself Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1069839997088889102003-11-26T01:46:00.000-08:002003-11-26T01:47:08.043-08:00Ok...so now that everything has finally settled down...I finally have some time to write on this bad boy...so i have been 20 (the cockteaser year) for almost two days now...and i can say that i am the same i was the year before and the year before that...completely happy and completely alone at the same time...time or consequence seems to keep me in that fate for at least a while longer... The Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1060507616562347492003-08-10T02:26:00.000-07:002003-08-10T02:26:56.523-07:00So i'm sitting here at my laptop contemplating the past few days and all i can say about it is...tiring...so tiring that it will have to wait for a time when i'm not so tired...bed now...i have to go to church tomorrow...hahahaha...me...church...who'd of thought....Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1060426989502331522003-08-09T04:03:00.000-07:002003-08-09T04:03:09.440-07:00I could rant about the day...but i'm a little tired to do so...so all i'll say tonight is HAPPY BIRTHDAY MITZI!!! hahaha...love ya...*muah*...hehehe...remember the gatorade...hope this experience teaches you more about alcohol...o...and hope you had fun...and you thought i forgot... =PBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1060332786045757522003-08-08T01:53:00.000-07:002003-08-08T01:53:05.883-07:00Well...tonight was fun...gotta to see the newbies again...hehehe...anyways...the year looks like it's here...time to get cracking...no more messing around...you all thought i was busy now...wait until the quarter starts...i'll be up and about all over the friggin place...but for now...let me get some rest...peace...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1060251634609219822003-08-07T03:20:00.000-07:002003-08-07T03:20:34.610-07:00I am the fool that sees the world for what it is and continues to think that things can go right...i am the pessimist that thinks optimism exists...i see the world through a broken pair of rose-colored glasses and thinks that the repairs are easy...i laugh at the couples who believe in what they conceive to be love yet wish that i were them...i am a conundrum of emotions that bottle and rocket Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1060153644993165802003-08-06T00:07:00.000-07:002003-08-06T00:07:25.040-07:00So session 2 has reared its ugly head and now the routine is back to school...board...work...etc...etc...i'm tired...so very tired...give me one day...one day where i can just sit down...read a book...sleep...listen to some music...and just be...if i had that...i would be a lot saner...i'm hitting the brinking point...waiting for the wall...then crack and snap...goodnight...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1060069917295796242003-08-05T00:51:00.000-07:002003-08-05T00:51:57.203-07:00So...as i was taking the bus from work tonight...i took some time to think about how different public transportation down here is much different from that of los angeles...so i guess that this entry is dedicated to anyone who has ever taken an MTA or RTD as it used to be called...so did you ever sit on the bus sometimes and observe the people that came on and off the bus...i used to think that Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1059983679240236592003-08-04T00:54:00.000-07:002003-08-04T00:54:39.146-07:00Tonight was a night of closeness in my opinion...never thought i would have that feeling again..but i guess you just never know anymore...i know that now...i just wished that i hadn't rushed things that way i did...i should have learned from the last mistake i made...oh well...i guess that i just have to hope for the best...it's not like i'm really expecting anything or hoping for much...like i Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1059892908126322692003-08-02T23:41:00.000-07:002003-08-02T23:41:48.050-07:00So the fearless leader has left for the homeland...now more than ever i have to step up...and with the support of everyone else...we'll make it...i often wonder what it is like to just be able to pack up and leave...i think that i need to do that...i've been so friggin busy this summer that i haven't even had time to breathe...but i can't say that it's been all bad...there have actually been someBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1059811611130169712003-08-02T01:06:00.000-07:002003-08-02T01:06:51.173-07:00Ok...so I admit that my last entry was rather short and to the poitn...but I guess that that is just the way I felt at the time...so sue me...anyways...now that i am much calmer than i was 3 hours ago i can actually say something productive...anyways...back to what my friend said earlier...she also said something else that made a lot of sense...she told me that "i need to get over it...take it Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1059800175382878332003-08-01T21:56:00.000-07:002003-08-01T21:56:15.230-07:00A friend asked me tonight if i'll ever become normal again...my answer was no...I guess that would describe my day pretty well...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-1059723875585233422003-08-01T00:44:00.000-07:002003-08-01T01:08:58.383-07:00Wow...it's been a while since I've written in this thing and I do apologize for those who have the slightest interest in what's been going on in my life...and I do feel bad that I have neglected this...because the whole reason that I started this thing was a way to express my thoughts in a sort of therapeutic fashion...and I guessed I've missed a couple of "sessions"...but anyways...I don't know Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-877724742003-01-20T23:26:00.000-08:002003-01-20T23:26:55.356-08:00This song describes my life: Never thought that we would ever be more than friends Now I’m all confused cause for you I have deeper feelings We both thought it was cool to cross the line And I was convinced it would be alright Now things are strange, nothings the same And really I just want my friend back And my mind’s gone half crazy cause I can’t leave you alone (oh can’t get you out of my Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-877723102003-01-20T23:21:00.000-08:002003-01-20T23:21:16.100-08:00I realize that I had to say good-bye to a few things this weekend...I found out that I can no longer rely on the things I used to rely on...I discovered that mistakes last forever...and that my mistakes mean nothing but trouble and pain for me...I have seen that I can no longer handle these situations on my own...and that I need an outsider to guide me...I'm falling apart...for what reason...I amBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-875636462003-01-16T17:19:00.000-08:002003-01-16T17:19:33.730-08:00 Where Did Your Soul Originate? brought to you by Quizilla Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-867823082003-01-01T02:19:00.000-08:002003-01-01T02:19:05.030-08:00well...a new year is born...time to see what i'm made of...am i going to commit to the promises i made to myself...or am i going to take the easy way out...this is the time when i determine what i want from my life...i vow to make this year the year of change...i will become the person i want to be and be everything i hoped i was once before...this is the year...the time when i make it happen...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-867403312002-12-31T01:36:00.000-08:002002-12-31T01:36:52.603-08:00the world is a dark place...filled with consequences and regrets that fall deep between what those dreamers would dare call hope...i wish the world were different...maybe then i would be a happier person...maybe then i would know what i want form life...and maybe then i could be able to live my life without fear...but that's not how the world is...my mind is often clouded by the sins of the past.Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-866545032002-12-29T01:40:00.000-08:002002-12-29T01:40:05.800-08:00well...i've been home for almost a week now...and during that time...i've been able to think about a lot and catch up on the things that i haven't been able to get to in a long time...one of which is sleep...anyways...it actually hasn't been too bad here at home...i actually went shopping the other day and ran into someone i haven't seen in a long time...i had always wondered what this girl was Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-865110862002-12-25T02:31:00.000-08:002002-12-25T02:31:20.496-08:00well...the first quarter has ended...and so much has happened...i'm not sure what my world is coming to anymore...everything has shifted since my last entry and i'm not sure if they are signs of good or signs of evil...a lot of things have been linked to my past as of late...and i'm not sure how to interpret it...does this mean that i should try and retrace my shattered past and see where the Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-865100942002-12-25T01:19:00.000-08:002002-12-25T01:19:47.100-08:00 Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel. Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-843064632002-11-09T23:03:00.000-08:002002-11-09T23:03:04.393-08:00well...i guess i can once again say that it has been a long time since i've written in this thing...and yet so much has happened...with the beginning of school and everything else that had happened to me in the past 6 weeks of school...i thought that i would be able to write in this thing everyday...but if you know my schedule you know that is very impossible...i don't know where to begin really.Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-814989852002-09-12T02:08:00.000-07:002002-09-12T02:08:25.730-07:00It's been so long since I've written in here and I've had so much to say as of late that I feel compelled to jot down those feelings to this archive of my thoughts and emotions...well...let's begin where my last entry ended... My first true program as community advocacy coordinator occurred on the 24th of August...volunteering at SIPA...I'm really glad that people came out to support the event..Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-802714572002-08-15T04:43:00.000-07:002002-08-15T04:43:23.306-07:00"i mean.. i really do like you.. but i think its more like a friend than anything else" It's words like this that make me realize that love is never meant for me...everyone always says that I should get over it...but how many times do I have to get over it...and I'm starting to realize that it's because of me...I think there's some quality about me that puts off women...(for those of you who Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-800198742002-08-09T01:53:00.000-07:002002-08-09T01:53:02.053-07:00Chances By Jonathan Baucas Chances are worth taking... Having the power to risk everything in order to gain anything... Always trying to make sure that you don't lose that opportunity... Ready to fight for that chance... Leaving nothing to fate... Even when times seem to be at their best... Never drop your guard... Especially if you feel you can't live without that chance... Prepare to do Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-798776472002-08-05T22:01:00.000-07:002002-08-05T22:01:35.490-07:00Chillin By Jonathan Baucas So here I am... Chillin around the world and doing nothing... An oblivious spot on a wall of more than a billion spots... Realizing that the world won't notice me... Even if I'm dead... Damned if I'm going to let that happen... Only thing left to do is stand out... Find some way to make my spot seem brighter than the rest... Because I know I am better than that... Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-798323512002-08-04T21:53:00.000-07:002002-08-04T21:53:42.153-07:00Last night was fun...I went and supported a friend at a club...which...by the way, she and her group did an awesome job...anyways...the club was fun...and it was good being in LA... On another note...I talked to my Charlene's "kuya" last night...we had an interesting talk...we talked about "stuff"...it was fun...and funny...anyways...talked to Charlene before the club...which is always nice...I Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-797683352002-08-03T01:28:00.000-07:002002-08-03T01:28:07.830-07:00She said she missed me...she called me tonight to tell me she missed me...we talked forever and a day again...as usual...I miss her...and now I now that she misses me...I'm happy...so today was a good day... So I have an apartment to call my own now...just need to pay it off...but it's mine... Need money...job required... Only one here at the apartment...bored...need people to be around...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-796611542002-07-31T15:57:00.000-07:002002-07-31T15:57:03.686-07:00This blog is dedicated to someone who has changed my life in the past few days that I've gotten to know her...during this time we have shared a lot of great moments together...and even though I knew it was brief...those times have still had a strong impact on me...primarily because she gave me something that I had missed for such a long time...AFFECTION...the times we were together fell nothing Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-794331122002-07-26T04:13:00.000-07:002002-07-26T04:13:00.680-07:00So...I knew that I would be inspired by the events of the conference over the past few days...but I never knew that I could be so inspired in such a short amount of time...I feel that I have been reawakened...finding new hopes and new tragedies...once again trying to see the world as I truly see it...a place of wonder and also a place of sadness...I see the world through dark-colored glasses...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-794177932002-07-25T18:53:00.000-07:002002-07-25T18:53:35.743-07:00I Struggle By Jonathan Baucas I struggle... Not only against my enemies... But also against my friends... Betrayals... Deceptions... And in the end... I struggle... I struggle... Against a community that hates and fears me... Against a community that knows nothing about me... Against a community that judges me... Against a community that will never accept me... And in the end... I struggle... Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-793851292002-07-25T01:29:00.000-07:002002-07-25T01:29:36.106-07:00ok...so today was a lot more work than yesterday...but it was still fun...I got closer to the people that I met over the past two days...and now the rest of the group is here...woo hoo...it was fun...shakey's and then playing with the toys at Albertson's...that was hilarious...but anyways...back to the girl...I hope to get to know her better over the next few days...but we'll see what happens...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-793384592002-07-24T00:49:00.000-07:002002-07-24T00:49:06.160-07:00Being alone in a room for the night often gives you time to think...right now I'm thinking of why I didn't make my move on that girl tonight...and whether or not I should ask her to come up...the signs seem to be there...but I'm not yet sure...and I don't want to mess up what can be a good friendship...but still...it could happen...she seems really nice too...too bad she almost a decade older Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-792050922002-07-20T19:30:00.000-07:002002-07-20T19:30:11.630-07:00Well...over the past few days...I've had nothing but fun...going to the beach...and then performing with the CDT...it's been an awesome time...I've been getting to know people a lot better...and I hope that the streak continues...heheBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-791443932002-07-19T03:33:00.000-07:002002-07-25T18:54:08.000-07:00Well...it seems that the thing to do now a days is to create a list...it has been brought to my attention that a list is a very tricky thing to come up with...first you have to come up with the list...then you have to come up with the code for each of them...that's the tricky part...but for those who know me...it might be easy...for you who made it hard...it might be harder...hehe...so there...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-790557822002-07-17T00:36:00.000-07:002002-07-17T00:36:14.420-07:00It has becoming very apparent over the past few days that there is something terribly wrong with me...However, I have yet to discover the who, the what, the why, or the how as to why I am in this predicament...In my quest to try and find the truth and to find the answers to the questions I ask, I am left only with more questions, and end up more confused than when I started in the first place...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-789000982002-07-13T03:40:00.000-07:002002-07-13T03:40:40.360-07:00Today I found out how great next year will be...I had time to spend with my board for next year...and I've learned today that they're a group of people that I can see as being some of my closest friends...more and more I see the roles that these 16 great individuals would have in my life...and how they're influences would be of much help in my life...and I can't help but get excited about the Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-788492592002-07-11T21:19:00.000-07:002002-07-11T21:19:26.053-07:00I guess with every 500 bad days...you seem to get at least one good day...today was that day...no drama...nothing to worry about...just having fun...feeling better about myself...I wish I could have more of these days...we'll see...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-788104442002-07-11T00:24:00.000-07:002002-07-11T00:24:48.390-07:00Did you ever have the feeling that everything is slowly slipping from your grip??? Where...one by one...everything that you have tried to accomplish in your life is failing...Having the feeling where the only thing that you have left is yourself...and even that seems to be slipping away...More and more...I feel that happening to me...I wish that things were better...but they're not...and I don'tBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-787213672002-07-08T23:50:00.000-07:002002-07-08T23:50:37.220-07:00My summation of my trip to the Bay: RANDOM!!! The Simulator Lag Time Buttonwillow "Please forgive me, signed your busted tire" Stitch 4AM No sleep The Conference Our Struggle 4 hours of monopoly "Makibaka!!!" 4 times at Jollibee Clam Chowder One Seal "Except Muni" So Many Cats 280 what??? Guys and Girls (The truth)Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-787196032002-07-08T22:50:00.000-07:002002-07-08T22:50:16.946-07:00Why is it that I always feel that I have to prove myself to others...I have lived my life to my standards...and I do admit that my life is not a perfect one...I am surrounded by my demons of the past and they continue to haunt me in the present...but it's my life...and it doesn't matter if other people think that the decisions I've made are the wrong ones...those decisions are MY decisions...and Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-785451182002-07-04T03:31:00.000-07:002002-07-04T03:31:28.910-07:00Today was a very interesting day...I tried to talk to a friend...but certain consequences held me back..which kinda sets a confusing and disturbing mood for me...but anyways...I learned today that some things are better left unsaid...and some things you just can't take back...the world...well...the world can be very mischievious and play those little games...damn...those games hurt...I wish Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-784708152002-07-02T10:45:00.000-07:002002-07-02T10:45:41.453-07:00So last night I had a very interesting conversation...I shared something with someone that I have never really shared with anyone else..my true philosophies on life...or at least the things that I believe make life worth living...love, fate, and happiness...how strange it is that I would share these things with this person..not because I don't trust them...which is hardly the case...it's just Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-784508732002-07-01T22:21:00.000-07:002002-07-01T22:21:30.156-07:00Back in Irvine...adjustment...the period of adjustment for living with these guys has quickly passed...probably 'cuz I'm so used to these guys...and I'm planning to work with these next year anyway...so yeah...it's all good...job hunting sucks major ass...no one seems to want me...awww boo...anyways...I'm still conflicted with stuff...I feel guilty...but then I wonder why...I should have no Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-782606062002-06-27T00:36:00.000-07:002002-06-27T00:36:25.096-07:00Time seems to creep up on me faster than I anticipated...and situations seem to arise as the same rate...I think I'm risking a lot this summer...and I'm planning a lot...I have more to lose than to gain...as usual...and I'm afraid that I have to prepare for the worst...AGAIN!!!...but I have to hope for the best...I think...at least that's what people keep telling me...so I'm gonna try that methodBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-781682592002-06-25T00:06:00.000-07:002002-06-25T00:06:04.730-07:00Well...it's pretty late...and I'm still up...big surprise...I plan to be back in Irvine soon...I sleep a lot here...I guess it can be seen as a good thing...but still, I can't sleep away the rest of this summer...I still have so much to prepare for...must not let the fatigue take me down...I have a lot of work to do...and I must start it soon...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-780887962002-06-22T23:46:00.000-07:002002-06-22T23:46:37.980-07:00Man...I'm bored...enough said...at least for today...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-780595532002-06-22T02:14:00.000-07:002002-06-22T02:14:40.750-07:00I guess it's good to look back on your past sometimes...you're often surprised by what you find...an old friend...a good friend...I had time to talk...vent...and she listened...thanks Cherie...anyways...I got work done today...so much to do...with so little time to do it in...I can't wait...I have a great team to work with...and I have great friends who support me...you gotta that...it always Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-780135052002-06-20T22:45:00.000-07:002002-06-20T22:45:08.230-07:00Well...I think I've solved another problem...and to be honest...I'm really happy about it...I think I've found forgiveness...forgiveness from my friend...and forgiveness from myself...I guess home can have that effect on you...I'm happy to have someone back in my life...I've missed this person...but now they're back...and I hope I can take comfort in that again...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-779717802002-06-20T01:16:00.000-07:002002-06-20T01:16:38.020-07:00I'm home after a long period of time...and I can't sleep...I've tossed and turned for the past hour...and I still can't go to sleep...I guess I'm not used to it here...I think I need to go back...and soon...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-779682972002-06-19T22:47:00.000-07:002002-06-19T22:47:56.733-07:00Life is funny sometimes...you think that things can't get any better...but then...somehow...a ray of light shines...I guess that the light shone tonight...yeah...i know the irony of the situation too...but it did...I said goodbye to a lot of people that I'm gonna miss for a long time...but my "bro" and my friends helped me through a lot before they left...and I thank them for that...I guess now IBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-779462052002-06-19T12:34:00.000-07:002002-06-19T12:34:37.443-07:00Well...now I am once again left alone to comtemplate what the F*CK is going on...everyday I think I get better...it gets worse...everytime I think I can move on...things happen that brings me right back to where I started...why must the pain continue so passionately towards me...I swear that I can't break free from it...and now I've lost so much more than I thought I had lost in the first place..Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-778826332002-06-18T02:05:00.000-07:002002-06-18T02:05:53.010-07:00I don't know anything anymore...I just don't...everything has just become so confusing...a whirlwind of experiences and things that have swirled my life into a confusing conundrum of questions that only leave me wanting to tear away and find the answers...but it just doesn't seem possible right now...maybe...if I tear at it hard enough...I can find the answers to the questions that torment my Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-778715272002-06-17T19:34:00.000-07:002002-06-17T19:34:47.850-07:00Well...it's been a very interesting day...I can say that I found out a lot...stuff that I never thought I could find out through conventional methods...but it made me realize that things are not the same anymore...things have changed so much over such a short period of time that I cannot process very easily...but on the other hand...I got a lot of things done in the same respect...and I hope thatBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-778191762002-06-16T14:28:00.000-07:002002-06-16T14:28:45.500-07:00Well...I said goodbye to a lot of people that I will probably never see again...which, in a way...can be seen as either a good or bad thing...I admit that I didn't make friends with everyone in the dorms...but with the ones that I did...I'm gonna miss them...but I also had to say goodbye to a lot of seniors because they have moved on to the "real" world...well...I am currently a resident of Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-777718672002-06-15T00:47:00.000-07:002002-06-15T00:47:32.280-07:00My first year in a nutshell: PAIN!!!...The one thing I've learned the most in college was not the schooling...it was the pain...the pain of saying goodbye...but more importantly...just the pain that comes with the prusuit of happiness...I wish I could change a lot of things...but I can't...and now I'm here...ALONE again...wishing I could run away from it all...just to find one moment of peace...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-777348962002-06-14T03:53:00.000-07:002002-06-14T03:53:26.926-07:005 Cigarettes to try and kill the pain...5 Cigarettes to settle the nerves...5 Cigarettes to show that I cannot handle this situation...5 Cigarettes that prove that I am weak...damn those 5 Cigarettes for revealing the truth...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-777278212002-06-13T21:54:00.000-07:002002-06-13T21:54:56.646-07:00SELF-DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN-I define a self-destructive pattern to be an endless course of actions taken on by a person in order to cause damage, whether it be physical, mental or both, to one's self...I have achieved such a pattern once in my life, almost to my own end...however, I realized my error at that stage in my life and have moved on since then...it seems though that the "powers that be" Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-777143302002-06-13T15:05:00.000-07:002002-06-13T15:05:00.910-07:00I've always said to the people that I've tried to help that they picked the worse time to have teh "drama" in their lives...who would've thought that drama would kick me in the face 2 days before I leave my first year...I feel betrayed...hurt...disappointed in myself...upset with others...I think I blame myself...because maybe I did something worng throughout this entire episode...but it just Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-776924982002-06-13T03:52:00.000-07:002002-06-13T03:52:45.623-07:00SACRIFICE!!!! The one thing that I have learned here at UCI...I can't be everywhere for everyone and I've accepted that fact...I've tried and damn near burned out...I wish I could help all the people that needed me...but I guess that I was never strong enough to do it...I've let a lot of people down this quarter too...including myself...and to everyone...I'm sorry...but as for me...I blame Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-766549912002-05-17T05:05:00.000-07:002002-05-17T05:05:15.793-07:00well...my last blog was more than a month ago...I guess the tests that I had endured had taken away from my time to do this..but now here I am...tired...almost at the end of the quarter...and so much has happened to me in this month...during the time I've been absent from writing this I've experienced: joy... sorrow... accomplishment... failure... pleasure... pain... love... hate... anxiety... Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-113383792002-04-01T02:08:00.000-08:002002-04-01T02:08:34.120-08:00My computer froze today...the quarter has not gone to a very good start...already something has gone wrong...so that is why this blog is so late tonight...reformatting is a bitch...so as of midnight today...spring quarter has begun...now the real test has begun...classes...meetings...practices...pledging...it has all begun...get ready for quite possibly the hardest 10 weeks of my college career Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-113032972002-03-30T23:56:00.000-08:002002-03-30T23:56:35.070-08:00So...I'm back in Irvine again... after a very filling and informative retreat...as of today...I feel that I have learned a lot more than I have in most of my classes...but anyways...today was mostly the squeezing from the "sponge" of knowledge...and learning everything that could possibly be learned about what I am involved with from any one person...we went to go eat Pilipino food...ahhh...good Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-112758382002-03-30T01:50:00.000-08:002002-03-30T01:50:26.480-08:00Damn tele...not to say that I am very interested to find out what my grades were...but it's just good to know...anyways...so today...I was late for our retreat...but it's ok...not to miss much...but there weren't that many there...which kind of sucks...but it's ok...we got a lot of stuff done today...after the 1 hour drive to San Diego to the House of Ramos...sorry bro...had to do it...but Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-112405552002-03-28T22:40:00.000-08:002002-03-28T22:40:31.590-08:00I'm back...which is good...only to find that my room had been through a storm...damn my roommate sometimes...haha...but it's not too bad...he is alright for the most part...anyway...so I came back today..and immediately it was back to work for the things I love to do best...planning and more planning...for the future of one of the many organizations that I involve myself in...but I know that whatBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-112048522002-03-27T23:40:00.000-08:002002-03-27T23:40:51.630-08:00So...I spent more time with my family today...I fed ducks with my nieces in the park...which was very pleasant...it never surprises me how the simple things can give me so much relaxation...so much of a sense of control of my time...I spent the whole day with them...just playing around in the park...they missed me so much...and I missed them...and seeing them brought back so many memories of my Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-111666032002-03-26T23:54:00.000-08:002002-03-26T23:54:23.893-08:00Necessity and repitition...these words come to mind to bring about the day's events...home often brings about the things that I need...food, a bed, family, etc...but it also brings about a lot of repitition...the same thing that used to happen when I lived here continues to happen today...no need to get into details because it's not something I wish to get into...but anyways...like I was saying..Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-111301272002-03-25T23:18:00.000-08:002002-03-25T23:18:29.456-08:00Family...the thing that people say will always be there for you...and this is true...I've returned home today...back to where I come from...and sure enough...everyone was there...my family...I saw almost everyone...and it felt good...coming home was really a learning experience today...of how much I take coming home for granted...I wish I wouldn't...but it just seems to happen at times...maybe itBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-110917632002-03-25T00:00:00.000-08:002002-03-25T00:00:47.186-08:00Being alone in a dorm is a good time for me to reflect on things...but it also a time to know when you can be hella bored...but anyways...today was a very good day to know a lot of my friends...I often find that it is in the weirdest places and in the weirdest situations that you see someone...and by seeing someone you start a conversation...and through that conversation you learn more about thatBaucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-110579412002-03-23T21:28:00.000-08:002002-03-23T21:29:52.000-08:00Well...today I actually write on the day's events...today I met the possible future of my life and in what direction it may lead to...it frightens, yet exhilirates me at the same time...I mean, here I am, staring at what might possibly be a part of me for the rest of my college life and beyond...and it scares me to death...I often think if I had gotten in over my head once again...or am I just Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3406987.post-110368692002-03-23T05:08:00.000-08:002002-03-23T05:13:31.000-08:00And so it begins...an account of my life...by reading this, you agree to try and understand more about me than you will ever know...or even might want to know...throughout this "tragedy" as I so eloquently put it...you will read of happiness, regret, pain, suffering, triumph, defeat, love, hate, sacrifice, and celebration...you will hear of my exploits with the clubs I am involved in...my dorm...Baucashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07729164978682949693noreply@blogger.com0